Bored, Lost and Lonely.... :(

That’s how I’m feeling from a couple of days. All bored, lost and lonely. I find myself caught in a mechanical, motorized flurry of work- life, trying to make out some kind of sense and meaning in my monotonous work.

Well, it’s not just work that’s monotonous, my day-to-day life itself has become a kind of repetition, a loop in which I’m trapped- work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep... That’s all I do every single day, except if you count my travelling from home to work and back home as something adventurous- well, if you have travelled by bus you may say it is, but I’d rather say it’s torturous....

I feel I’ve lost myself in this pandemonium, I don’t find myself laughing any more at silly little stuff, I don’t find myself playing pranks or cracking jokes like I used to; instead, I find myself musing, thinking and thinking about how bland my life’s become and how insipid I have become.. You may say it’s a part of maturity process, but I say it’s not maturity; it’s more of losing myself and my joys... And I’m not liking this, not at all, not even a bit...

At work, it’s just me. No team, no one to share, no one to bother. Oh well, I see all my colleagues sharing the work, discussing what needs to be done next and have a team celebrating birthdays and occasions, attending training workshops in droves, and I’m just there to organize and ensure that everything goes smoothly- I feel I’m just a wall, un-noticed, unrecognized, overlooked piece of moving entity. I feel so jealous of those people working in teams...

At home- well, I reach home pretty late after work; say around 8.00 P.M is my average time when I’m home. And I leave early, 7.30 AM every day. So the time that I spend at home with my family, is the time I get to eat and sleep... not enough time to talk to my family members, not enough time to listen to their day’s work... sometimes, I don’t even know when a festival or a function or even a day trip is coming up at my home till my mom wakes me up and says- ‘we’re going out today’. Where and when, I should figure out like Sherlock Holmes did...

I feel so cut-off, so isolated and so lonely from the rest of the world... I seem to be on an island in an elevated platform- watching everybody enjoy life, enjoy work, enjoy themselves- but from a distance, a distance from which nobody can know or realize that I’m here, very much here... I want to yell out loud, say that I still EXIST on the earth, that I’m a substantial being, that I’m not imaginary or illusionary, I’m very much here craving for company and longing for a bit of care.... but why should I bother to yell and exhaust myself, when I’m on an island in a distance..

I want this to end. I don’t want to get stuck to these emotions. I want my old, lively, cheerful and care-free self back. Well, let’s hope that this just a mood-swing; a temporary, small and a diminutive thing and in a couple of days, my endorphin levels would rise again...

And in the mean time, if you people do read this, make sure to tell me, call me or mail me or IM me saying ‘I’m there for you’... don’t copy paste it or Don’t do this just for the heck of it, or just because you feel a surge of sympathy... Do it because you know that deep down in your heart, you would always be there for me, and would not mind if I tell you to come right away to where I am... well, how many do I think would tell me this?? Oh forget it. Don’t bother...